Human

Originally posted in my old newsletter, “It’s Hard Being Human,” on September 24th, 2021

I watched from just a few feet away. The sky was crystal blue, reflecting stillness off the lake’s water, bringing life to the emerald green in the forest around as the slow, setting sun warmed my skin with the evening breeze. The little girl did a little dance, her mind trying to figure out how she was going to get down to the beach with her big brother and her father from this short shelf on the lake’s edge. Her father stood and waited for her, watching for what she might do. 

“No, I need you to hold me,” the little girl decided, a soft plea for help squeaking out of her throat. 

“Here, come to your Papa,” her father said in a gentle response. He reached his strong arms up toward her and she gingerly fell into them, wrapping her own arms around his neck and her legs around his torso. A sweet giggle escaped her mouth as he carried her and held her close, an instant place of safety created — a thin place, a piece of heaven colliding with earth. 

I felt a wave rise up within my chest and roll me under, causing me to gasp and catch a deep, heavy sob, quick tears escaping my eyes as I sat, watching in silence. 

I need you to hold me.
Here, come to your Papa.

I realized I was grieving for something I lost a long time ago, and wanting for something intrinsic that can no longer be met by a fellow human.

God, I need you to hold me.
A squeak in my throat managed to evade my walls.
Here, come to Me. 

I wept, quietly —  
finally, a place where I could be honest without needing to explain myself, my need able to exist without having to be justified.

Here, there is no sweet giggle that escapes my mouth — yet here is a gentle and lowly One who fills every cavern of my soul, and a thin place still shows up — heaven fills my being as I gingerly let kindness live in my need with me, breathing 

into my need for safety
for tenderness
for purity
for slow and quiet
for honesty
for endless, satisfying love.

Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
– Matthew 11:28-29 ESV